This is the conclusion of my review of Abduction. Part 1 can be read here if you are that in need of pain.
First some corrections: In the first half of the review of the movie Abduction, I misidentified Constigasm boy’s home as maybe being in Virginia. In fact, the NYC bad guy’s trace initially went to South Carolina, then pinged up to Michigan, and then stopped in southwestern Pennsylvania. Apparently near the border of either West Virginia or Maryland. See, there was something that happened later on that made me question what the hell was going on. So, dear reader, for the sake of your sanity, I went back and watched portions of the first half. Additionally, there will be some overlap between the end of that review and the review of the second half of the movie Abduction because I unintentionally left out some salient points. I hope, dear reader, that these errors have not caused you any discomfort or inconvenience. And, now, on with the further adventures of Constigasm boy and girlfriend!
While at the safe house (which is in Arlington, VA and which they got to by walking on foot for a while and hitching a ride in a Uhaul – “Can you take us to Arlington?” “Sure, hope on in.” and that’s just how hitchhiking works in real life) and before peeling out in the BMW, the girlfriend made a call to her uncle to let him know she’s OK because her parents are on a trip in Italy and she’s been staying home alone. Alfred Molina (the CIA guy) answered the call. Not her uncle. Not some weird blippy dialtone thing. Just the voice of Alfred oozing out through the earpiece. Again, your tax dollars at work because surveillance is just that darned good. Also, Constigasm boy discovered a picture of his birth mom, whom he “knows” even though he was only three and hiding under a bed when she was killed. So, he’s sensitive or a braniac or just reads the script they give him or something.
Back to the peeling out: the kids peel out and the BMW motor rumbles monstrously down the residential street as they make their way to a cemetery. Because there was an address with Constigasm boy’s mom’s picture back at the safe house. They find her grave and there are fresh flowers on it! Now, one might expect a damned-near flowerbomb of flowers for this woman or something. But no. It appears to be the kind of bouquet you’d pick up at Safeway. Still, it makes girlfriend think “someone had to send these”. So it works.
Cut to the cemetery greeter (caretaker, son of the local embalmer???) and he’s at a computer in a nice Columbarium hallway and girlfriend (who’s looking real fresh and purty despite just washing up in a sink for maybe a minute) turns her feminine wiles upon the overweight geeky kid at the computer and gets an address. The flowers were sent by some guy they can trust. In Nebraska. And that’s pretty much the end of the “guy we can trust in Nebraska” storyline. Also: the CIA has included cemetery computers in its surveillance network because “OMG we know where he is! Hooray for us!”
While the CIA was wasting time tracking Constigasm boy and girlfriend via cemetery computers, the bad bad guys were busy tracking them using traffic monitoring cameras which are pretty ubiquitous in Virginia cemeteries. Although, if you have a token black friend that you can call for help, they seem to have a Cloak of Untraceability about them. Because you can meet up with your token black friend, after calling to set it up, and not get caught. Although they can still track your car in the parking lot. [Seriously, my writing of this review makes as much sense as the movie. Yet, humble reader, I proffer that it is more entertaining.]
(At this point, the two main bad guys come into focus (they may have been there before but who knows). One looks like a slightly slimmed down Peter Griffin. The primary bad guy looks like a slightly heavier, Rodney Dangerfield. So, I shall refer to them as Peter and Rodney. They probably have names in the movie, but who knows. [At this point, you may be wondering why I’m making up these supposed resemblances. Again, and I do hate to disappoint you, I am not.]
After the cemetery, Constigasm boy and girlfriend board a train where people are checking passengers’ ID, but they don’t check the ID of Constigasm boy and girlfriend (keep holding your breath, it’s not over yet). But they can’t escape PETER GRIFFIN!! Who watches them board the train with a smirk.
Constigasm boy and girlfriend are in their room on the train and things are getting hot and heavy. When girlfriend gets hungry and Constigasm boy is all “oh, heheh, yeah I could eat too”. Gosh. An 18-year-old boy stopping in the middle of sex for dinner. It is the brave new world we’ve all hoped for!
Off to the dining car toddles girlfriend and something something and she’s walking back to the room when Peter Griffin jumps her! Now, a bad guy that looks like Peter Griffin really may not be convincing to audiences. So he attacks her and ties her up and threatens her with a gun and threatens to cut off a finger. But girlfriend loves Constigasm boy (I assume the threat of the loss of a digit releases the love hormone), so she tells Peter what room they’re in. While all this is going on, Constigasm boy is just sitting. In the room. Reclined in a chair. Looking at his watch every once in a while. No masturbation here! Although Constigasm boy will steal a blanket to keep warm because that’s good stealing, he won’t touch his danger zone. Until he’s married. I guess. Or something.
Finally, stuff happens and it’s PETER GRIFFIN v. CONSTIGASM BOY on the 3:42 to somewhere. Constigasm boy wins and throws Peter Griffin out the window, girlfriend somehow gets free and is back in his arms. While hugging, Constigasm boy looks down and sees Peter Griffin’s glasses and steps on them. (Not “crushes”, not “stomps”, not “pulverizes”.) But, given the just-finished fight, rather daintily, if pointedly, steps on them. Whew! Trains! Who knew?
For some reason, the train has to come to a stop in the middle of nowhere (maybe more CIA/bad guy shennanigans; maybe seeing someone’s body go out a window – we don’t know) and the kids get off and Alfred shows up.
Finally, Alfred and the CIA agents corner the kids on a hill in a small town where we find out that all the above has transpired in a mere 22 hours. Of course, Constigasm boy is careful and smart and thoughtful and smart and demands ID. Constigasm boy plays hard ball. He’s not going with that sissy “let me see your badge” or “who was the 38th president of the U.S.”; no, none of that silly stuff. “If you really are CIA, what’s my real name?” (As with prior disclaimers, I am not making up dialog, either.)
So Alfred offers to buy them lunch because he’s just that kind of agent and he and Constigasm boy have a little chat in which Alfred informs him that this isn’t a war of bullets or borders or some other shit but that “the currency of this war is information”…because currency is to bullets as … oh who the fuck cares at this point. (Your head isn’t the only one hurting and we’re not done yet. So grab some pills (the legal kind you can buy OTC at Walgreens) and soldier on.)
Alfred further informs Constigasm boy that Constigasm boy’s dad stole this information from Rodney Dangerfield and that “to the naked eye it’s a list of meaningless numbers and letters” (cut to Constigasm boy flipping open a cellphone in his lap to a screen of Matrix-like green text flowing back and forth).
During the meeting (and because the CIA is on top of things), there are agents stationed on nearby rooftops and near the restaurant. And the bad guys are able to easily kill them from further-away rooftops using rifles with silencers. Except when they get close to the plate glass window where Constigasm boy is dining with Alfred. Then they can’t shoot for shit. Because plate glass is made with magnets and unicorn poop. (OK, I did make up that bit about plate glass. But, fuck me if it wouldn’t have made the movie better.)
Some other shit happens. Constigasm boy makes another untraceable/untrackable call to token black friend to set up a meet in public with Rodney. Because Rodney has figured out Constigasm boy has the info and he wants it back. But Constigasm boy is all “Oh, uh uh. My adoptive parents taught me to fight and my real parents are super deep cover CIA agents and I have the Nokia Phone of Holding so we’re doing this my way…IN PUBLIC!”
The token black friend makes shit happen, baby! Oh yeah! It’s gonna get real at PNC Park because the Pittsburgh Pirates needed some media attention and this movie was all they could afford. There’s a ticket taped under the foot of the statue of Roberto Clemente (educated guess on my part, because Constigasm boy is suddenly wearing a Clemente jersey) and there’s a gun taped under a chair and Constigasm boy and Rodney have this kind of spaghetti-western staredown while walking down aisles separated by a swath of seats. They finally get to their row and Rodney is all “GET UP” to the regular paying customers who really, as far as can be seen, aren’t blocking anyone’s way and just trying to, you know, ENJOY A DAMNED BALL GAME and not be part of some lame movie.
Long drawn out scene of Rodney shoving piece after piece of popcorn into his mouth and chewing and Constigasm boy reaching for the gun that token black friend taped under his seat (not sure if the holster was just one of those friendly touches or if he charged for that) then not reaching for it then dialog with Rodney and then reaching for the gun and…IT’S NOT THERE! “Are you looking for this” menaces Rodney.
Some other shit happens and suddenly Constigasm boy is being chased through the stadium by Rodney and he’s leaping and swinging from beams (yes, he is) and running…until he drops from a canopy and now Constigasm boy has an ankle ouchy and he has to limp but not Rodney (who really is a pudgy middle-aged guy that probably couldn’t run a lemonade stand let alone through a stadium). You could cut the tension with a weak stream of warm piss. Oh dear!
Suddenly! Something something and Constigasm boy’s real dad calls and is all “Do this! Now do that!” and BANG! Rodney is dead.
Then someone gives the Nokia Phone of Holding to someone and we find out that Alfred’s name is on the flowing Matrix-like text of mystery on the Nokia Phone of Holding so someone’s career is over. Then there’s some kind of touching talk (over the same phone) with dad and “you’re all the family I have left and I need you dad” and “blather blather dangerous life…I’ve always been watching out for you” click.
Undoubtedly, some of you have been paying attention and may be wondering whatever happened to Sigourney Weaver? Did she die in the Fireball of Burning BMW SUV?
Well, after all of this, Sigourney just saunters up from the ballpark parking lot and gets a little “how are you handling this” concerned and then asks Constigasm boy if he wants to come live with her since all his parents are dead (except for dangerous-job dad who apparently has attachment issues) and Constigasm boy is all, you know, real cool like James Dean “sure”. Because every teenage boy’s worst possible fucking nightmare dream is to live with his therapist.
Cut to Constigasm boy and girlfriend sitting in the empty stadium (where is everyone? how did they evacuate so quickly? how did these brats get back in…oh, that’s right, it was “Super Kickass Kid of Super Kickass Deepcover Agents and Most of His Parents Are Dead” day at PNC Park [I’ll bet they had fucking awesome bobbleheads that day too!]) and reminiscing about their first date.
CUT! JESUS CHRIST GET US OUT OF HERE!
So, my advice to readers based on this movie:
Get yourself a therapist with the Balloon Bouquet of Invisibility skillset; get yourself a token black friend for making untraceable cellphone calls; avoid using, or having someone use on your behalf, cemetery computers; if you need to get somewhere quickly, hitching a ride with a Uhaul driver is the way to go; Nokia Phones of Holding have ugly green screens; DO NOT EVER visit missing persons websites because you just don’t know (no, you don’t…no, stop it…they’re after you because they found you a “few years ago using a cyberattack” [no, I’m still not kidding]); and your dad left you for a very good reason and even 15 years later he still won’t meet you face-to-face because “CIA is my-i-way! CIA is the only way! CULater S-O-N, CIA is my only friend” (if a single, solitary tear did not roll down your cheek and you did not see a flag wave in your mind while singing that very moving lyric, you may be a terrorist).
Now, after all of that you may be thinking “Gee, that sounds like a movie I would really like to see because Taylor Lautner and the CIA and Rodney Dangerfield. What could go wrong?” Well, instead, I would recommend copy/pasting all this text, removing all the hard returns, and wrapping it in marquee tags. Just watch all that go by, and it will be more entertaining and make more sense and you’ll get more bang for your buck.
At The Hoosies 