I watched the first half of Abduction starring Taylor Lautner – an actor who appears to be this decade’s breakout Shia Lebeouf, yet with a facial emotional range that seems to be frozen in some combination of “dealing with severe constipation while pleasuring myself” and, heretofore and hereafter herein, referred to as “Constigasm boy”.
It has a bunch of other actors I don’t know. Except for Sigourney Weaver. I know her. But not in that <air quotes> way.
Our story opens with Constigasm boy unconvincingly partying down then, apparently, going home to an abusive dad. But wait! It’s not abuse! It’s a loving dad teaching his kid to fight and to teach him a lesson about drinking and staying out all night because this is 1912 2012 when dads do that kind of thing.
Any way, Constigasm boy while working on a school assignment at home with the girl he was partnered with in class (who also happens to be his neighbor who he also happens to have a crush on because life happens that way – really – it does) stumbles across a website for missing children that (you better go pee now, if you have to, because this huge!) has his picture on it. Dun dun dun!!!! Because life happens that way, too. Really. It does.
Of course, he’s got to start up an online chat on a website he knows nothing about. Because why bother talking with your parents or anything or even question that some kid might be messing with you considering that your assignment partner/neighbor/love of your life is was (we know it’s “was” due to a dramatically enacted “large picture ripping” scene) the girlfriend of your arch high school nemesis.
Back to the story: the online chat triggers an alarm in an apartment in New York where…wait for it…a tall skinny guy with a shaved head gets Constigasm boy’s address from the online chat and makes a call. Apparently, “this is the kid we’ve been looking for” or something. And he finally after years and years and years stumbled across our faux missing persons website. (Although, given recent NSA revelations, this may not seem as farfetched as it did a year ago.)
Next thing you know, skinny guy and sidekick are in Virginia (I think) at Constigasm boy’s home and there’s gunfire and death and oh my god run son run BANG!
Constigasm boy’s girlfriend/assignment partner of course wanders into this mess and gets shot. Head to the hospital! Call 911 to report “my parents were murdered and I’m at the hospital” and get your call transferred immediately to Alfred Molina (CIA agent of dubious trust). Because 911 works just like that, folks. Really. It does. Your least little problem is really worthy of CIA attention, so all 911 calls are double-checked with the CIA so that you get the most out of your federal tax dollars.
Suddenly, Sigourney Weaver pops up (actually, she popped up back at the beginning of the movie as Constigasm boy’s therapist) with a balloon bouquet (by now, you may be wondering which parts of this I’m making up and which parts I’m not, well I hate to disappoint you, but I’m not making up any of this). Turns out she is one of Constigasm boy’s handlers or watchers or something and she used to work with Alfred Molina. Using the Balloon Bouquet of Invisibility™, she gets Constigasm boy and his girlfriend (“she’ll just slow you down”…”I’m not leaving her” dialogue up and out the piehole) out of the hospital before the bad, bad guys can get them. (Now, these bad bad guys are not the same bad guys that tracked down and paid a visit to Constigasm boy’s home. But they’re related. Apparently, our country’s vast net of surveillance is more robust and reliable than we may have been led to believe because, somehow, the bad bad guys are able to find out he’s at the hospital by magnets or something.)
Sigourney loads up the kids in her BMW SUV (BMW seems to heavily invested in some sponsor placement due to high visibility of logo and the very pointed reference to “late model BMW SUV”) and peels out! And, I don’t know about you, but nothing screams “manly danger” like a peeling out BMW SUV. We move from city to country in a flash, so I’m really doubtful that Sigourney is following the speed limits. Which really doesn’t send a good message to either the youth in her charge or the poor youth that got suckered into ponying up money for this movie.
While being chased by the bad bad guys and breaking local speed limits, Sigourney quickly kind of tells a story that kind of maybe makes sense about Constigasm boy’s adoptive parents being deep cover something or other and they’re coming up on a blind curve in 20 seconds and Constigasm boy and girlfriend will need to jump out while she creates a distraction.
A little more story while Sigourney counts down (really, “you have 15 seconds…you have 10 seconds…”) and info about a safe house where they should go. The address is stated just once. Which is all that’s necessary when your parents have been killed and you’ve been on the run and you’ve talked with Alfred Molina and you find out your therapist is your minder/keeper and she’s breaking all the speed limits…that will just cement the address right into your gray matter. (During all of this, there is one actually very good moment of acting. Constigasm boy’s girlfriend, hands aside her head, just goes “I don’t think I can handle this”. And the viewer thinks “that’s probably the most honest bit of teenage acting dialog I’ve ever heard”. For a moment, you hope that common sense takes hold and she’ll be all “Oh, uh uh. You are sooooo by yourself in this Constigasm boy. I’m taking dad’s Amex and holing up at a HoJo until this shit blows over.” But, as we all know, when a teenager has just broken up with her boyfriend and seen two other adults get killed (as well as getting shot herself) and her first date with the new guy has basically been murder/bullets, those hormones just kick in and she will get all “Oh baby I am in this with you til the bitter end because I don’t really know you or maybe even love you, but that constant look of being stuck between dealing with severe constipation and pleasuring yourself is just too much for me to resist”.
Sigourney’s countdown ends just as they hit the blind curve. My best guess is that she’s driven this route a thousand times at these break-neck speeds (which, honestly, appears to be 35mph) while counting down with a stopwatch because “dammit, something might happen some day”. The kids jump and roll and there’s a river, at which time Constigasm boy informs girlfriend that “we have to go in the water because they’ll track us”. And, suddenly, helicopters and a large flash/explosion from what appears to be Sigourney’s BMW SUV or at least the general area she was headed.
The kids make it to the safe house (on the way to the safe house, Constigasm boy does steal some stuff from a pretty nifty looking little trailer park, but it’s just stuff like a blanket to keep them warm so it’s, you know, “good” stealing because we don’t want to send the wrong message to any children watching), at which point Constigasm boy sniffs some clothes (no, still not making things up) and girlfriend does something and calls someone (dun dun dun!). But, cool man!, there’s a BMW sports car in the garage! It must be expensive and high powered because, while a small car, it takes six sequentially lit overhead lights to illuminate. So, they peel out of the garage (I feel compelled to say “BMWs peeling out is bitchin’ man” which isn’t true but something about this movie compels me). In a suburban community in the early morning with no one chasing them. They also apparently are racing down the street because “BMW delivers high speed performance even on quiet residential streets in the early morning and none of the neighbors will care because WE ARE FUCKING BMW” or something.
Now, I apologize. At this point I feel asleep. Or maybe I blacked out from banging my repeatedly against a brick I brought in from the front yard for just such a purpose. So I don’t know how it ends.
But I’ll probably try to catch the rest of it. Because…well…no real reason I can think of other than I hate leaving things unfinished.
Addendum: I had held a belief that poorly-done green screen was a thing of the past. Rest assured, it is not. I’m pretty sure that anything that doesn’t happen inside a building is done with green screen. It’s so bad that you can almost see the actors standing in a huge empty sound lot.
At The Hoosies 
You must be logged in to post a comment.